您现在的位置: 纽约时报中英文网 >> 纽约时报中英文版 >> 风尚 >> 正文

心理测验:爱情小测试帮助你寻觅真爱

更新时间:2019/3/3 10:18:48 来源:纽约时报中文网 作者:佚名

The dark side of believing in true love
心理测验:爱情小测试帮助你寻觅真爱

Have you ever explained issues you have with your partner to your friends, only for them to think they are not worth worrying about? Or have you seen a friend start a new romance with someone you think is completely unsuitable but they seem to go from strength to strength?

你有没有遇到过类似情况:向朋友抱怨和伴侣之间的问题,但他们却觉得没什么好担心的?又或者你觉得朋友的新对象完全不适合,但他俩感情却越来越好?

Psychologists have found two scales that influence how we start and maintain relationships.

心理学家发现有两种衡量方法会影响我们如何开始及经营一段关系。

One measures how much importance we put onto first impressions and early signs of compatibility, while the other measures how likely we are to work through problems in relationships. They are called implicit theories of relationships (because we don’t often talk about them). We might intuitively think of ourselves as more or less likely to believe in true love – but this is not something that we openly discuss with others or are conscious of when we start new relationships.

一个方法是衡量我们对第一印象和合适度早期信号的重视程度,另一个则评估我们成功处理感情问题的几率有多高,二者都被称为关系中的内隐理论(因为人们不常谈论)。人们潜意识里多多少少都认为自己相信真爱,但是却很少公开谈论,在开展新恋情时也意识不到它。

Together, these two scales can tell us if we are more likely to avoid talking about issues with our partners, look for faults where they might not exist, and ‘ghost’ our way out of relationships. Differences in these implicit attitudes can also help us understand the reasons that others’ romantic choices often seem inexplicable to us.

结合这两种衡量方法我们就会知道,我们是否不想与伴侣讨论问题、会不会在鸡蛋里挑骨头,会不会用“不告而别”的方式结束一段感情关系。这些隐性的态度差异也能解释,为什么我们无法理解别人在爱情中的所作所为。

To find out how you score, take the two quizzes below.

做做下列两个测试,就能知道你的得分。

The Soul Mate scale

灵魂伴侣测试

Answer the following questions on a scale of one to seven, where one is strongly disagree and seven is strongly agree.

请在1至7之间选择一个数字回答以下问题,1表示完全不同意,7表示完全同意。

1. Success in a romantic relationship is based mostly on whether the people are “right” for each other.

1. 一段感情成功与否主要取决于彼此是否命中注定。

2. There is a person out there who is perfect (or close to perfect) for me.

2. 芸芸众生中,一定会有适合我的人。

3. In marriages, many people discover (vs. build) a deep intimate connection to their spouse.

3. 许多人会在婚姻中发现(而非建立)与伴侣深度的亲密关系。

4. It is extremely important that my spouse and I be passionately in love with each other after we are married.

4. 婚后彼此深爱着对方十分重要。

5. I couldn't marry someone unless I was passionately in love with him or her.

5. 我只会与自己深爱的人结婚。

6. There is no such thing as "Mr. Right" or "Ms. Right".

6. 世界上根本没有所谓的“对的人”。

7. I expect my future husband or wife to be the most amazing person I have ever met.

7. 我希望另一半是我一生中遇到的最完美的人。

8. People who are searching for a perfect match are wasting their time.

8. 寻找完美伴侣的人是在浪费自己的时间。

9. The reason most marriages fail is that people aren’t right for each other.

9. 大多数婚姻失败的原因是彼此没有缘分在一起。

10. Bonds between people are usually there before you meet them.

10. 缘分在彼此遇见之前就存在了。

Now for scoring. First add your answers for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9 and 10. For questions 6 and 8, you need to subtract each answer from the number 8 and use the new number as your answer for that question. For example, if you answered “6”, add a 2 to your total. Once you have your final total, divide by 10 to get your average for this scale.

回答完问题后开始计分:先把第1、2、3、4、5、7、9和10题的得分相加。第6题和第8题则用数字8减去每一题的分数,所得数字才是该题的最终得分。比如,你的答案是“6”,那么该题目算在总分里的最终得分就是2(8-6=2)。最后,将总分除以10得到平均分数。

The Work-it-out scale

努力经营测试

Answer the following questions on a scale of one to seven, where one is strongly disagree and seven is strongly agree.

请在1至7之间选择一个数字回答以下问题,1表示完全不同意,7表示完全同意。

1. Success in a romantic relationship is based mostly on how much people try to make the relationship work.

1. 一段感情成功与否主要取决于双方努力经营的程度。

2. In marriage, effort is more important than compatibility.

2. 婚姻中,努力经营比缘分更重要。

3. In a relationship, love grows (vs. love is found).

3. 感情关系里,爱是需要培养的(而不是命中注定的)。

4. If people would just put in the effort, most marriages would work.

4. 如果人们愿意努力,大多数婚姻都能够美满。

5. I could be happily married to most people, if they were reasonable.

5. 我与大多数人结婚都会幸福,只要对方通情达理就行。

6. The reason most marriages fail is that people don’t put in the effort.

6. 大多数婚姻失败的原因是人们没有努力经营。

7. How well you know someone depends on how long you have known him or her.

7. 对一个人的了解程度取决于彼此认识了多久。

8. If I were to marry a random person, I would be satisfied.

8. 随便找个人结婚我也能心满意足。

9. Only over time can you really learn about your partner.

9. 只有时间够长才能真正了解你的伴侣。

To find out your score, add together your answers and divide by 9.

计分方法:将每一题的得分相加后除以9。

The questions in this quiz are taken from the Relationship Theories Questionnaire used by Renae Franiuk, of Aurora University, Illinois, in her research into implicit theories and relationship satisfaction and longevity. Franiuk uses ‘Soulmate’ and ‘Work-it-out’ to describe the two scales. Other researchers use ‘destiny’ and ‘growth’ to describe similar scales.

这些问题都是美国伊利诺伊州(Illinois)奥罗拉大学(Aurora University)的弗兰尼克(Renae Franiuk)在关系理论问卷中所使用的,用以研究内隐理论、感情满意度和关系维系时间的问题。弗兰尼克用“灵魂伴侣”和“努力经营”来描述这两组问题,也有研究人员用“命运”和“成长”来命名。

If you scored highly for ‘soulmate’ beliefs and are surprised by this, Franiuk says you won’t be alone. “People have a tendency to think they will be a ‘work-it-out’ type but we see pretty high endorsement for ‘soulmate’. When we hear about the theories on the surface, ‘soulmate’ turns people off because it’s not scientific but it’s just a word. We could call it something different to make people want to identify with these romantic beliefs. It’s not surprising that we want to believe these ideas when so much in Western culture pushes people towards them.”

如果你被自己“灵魂伴侣”测试的高分吓了一跳,弗兰尼克会告诉你这种情况并不少见。“人们总觉得自己是努力经营型,但是我们发现其实很多人都崇尚‘灵魂伴侣’。乍一听这些理论,人们会对‘灵魂伴侣’嗤之以鼻,认为没有任何科学依据,但这不过是个名称,我们可以换个说法来让人们愿意认同这些关于浪漫的看法。西方文化力推人们接受这些看法,我们愿意相信也不足为奇。”

Now you have your score, what should you look out for? When relationships are struggling, people who score highly on growth scales cope best. In fact, the presence of a problem to work through can improve the strength of the relationship; couples who score highly on growth scales actually report feeling better about their relationship after a conflict has been worked through. For these people, it might be necessary for small, fairly inconsequential, issues to arise in the relationship to keep the couple focused on working together. The more investments a couple make, the more committed they feel. They enjoy the challenge.

知道分数之后呢?关系告急时,相信感情需要努力经营的人会处理得更好。事实上,解决感情中的问题会让关系更稳固,相信感情需要努力经营的情侣表示,问题解决后两人的感情不减反增。对于这些人而言,感情中出现些磕磕碰碰很有必要,能够让两人集中精力去共同应对。投入越多,关系就越稳固。面对这些小挑战,他们乐在其中。

For these reasons, growth believers will overlook big differences in compatibility. For them, compatibility might become more aligned with time – and that is something that is worth being worked on.

因此,相信爱会成长的人会忽略彼此之间的不同。他们觉得,随着时间的推移,两人会磨合得越来越好,这也很值得去努力。

The opposite is true for people with strong destiny beliefs, with some potentially toxic consequences.

但相信命运的人则恰恰相反,有时后果很严重。

Particularly in the early stages of a relationship the presence of an issue can precipitate a break-up, as the destiny believer realises that their “perfect” soulmate is fallible. The destiny believer may argue that their partner “never really understood me” or that a small fault is “evidence that we’re not really compatible.” This is the case even if the couple are relatively well matched, Franiuk has found.

尤其在关系刚刚确立的时候,出现问题可能就会导致分手,因为相信命运的人发现“完美的”灵魂伴侣原来并不完美。他们可能抱怨另一半“从来不是真的懂我”,又或者一点小瑕疵就“说明我们不合适”。弗兰尼克发现,即使匹配度已经很高也会出现这种情况。

Worse still, they may exit the relationship in a less-than-charitable manner. People who believe in true love are more likely to ‘ghost’ their ex-partners – avoiding contact until the other person gives up speaking to you. Perhaps because the ghoster does not feel it is worth the investment to try to maintain the relationship if the other person is not ideal for them and does not see the benefit in providing feedback. “They don’t see it as a negative thing to do,” says Gili Freedman, a psychologist at St Mary's College of Maryland, who studies social rejection. “Your score on the growth scale had less of an effect overall, although, if you scored highly for growth you were more likely to feel negative about ghosting.”

更糟糕的是,他们可能会十分狠心地来结束这段关系。相信真爱的人用“不告而别”的方式结束感情的几率更高,他们不与另一半联系,直到对方放弃。可能觉得对方不是理想伴侣,关系并不值得经营,回应也没什么用。“他们不认为这是一件坏事,”马里兰圣玛丽学院(St Mary's College of Maryland)研究社交排斥的心理学家弗里德曼(Gili Freedman)说。“如果你相信感情需要努力经营,那你可能更不能接受这种悄然离开的方式。”

If they don’t break up over an issue – and still believe that they’ve found their true love –  the destiny believer may simply overlook the issue altogether. “Destiny believers tend to be more forgiving of a partner and more likely to avoid a fight because they want to believe that this person is their soulmate,” says Franiuk. That could be positive for minor disagreements. “But if you’re avoiding big conflict you end up staying with someone who is not good for you.”

对相信命运的人来说,如果某个问题没有导致分手,并且仍然坚信自己觅得了真爱,那他们也许就会直接忽略这个问题。弗兰尼克说:“他们对另一半更加宽容,尽力避免争吵,因为他们要让自己相信这个人就是灵魂伴侣。”这种态度在处理小问题上有好处,“但如果对严重分歧也避而不谈,那就是和不合适的人绑在了一起。”

And the consequences can be extremely serious. Destiny believers who have been together for longer are more likely to overlook issues, fooling themselves into thinking they are a better match because of the amount of time they have been together.

后果可能极其严重。相信命运的人在一起的时间越长,就越容易对问题视而不见,他们会自欺欺人地告诉自己,都在一起这么久了我们一定很般配。

“We found that the longer destiny theorists stayed in relationships with someone who is not the right person, the more they reported violence,” says Franiuk. “They downplay problematic relationships. They might give someone a longer chance than other people might. Some might see warning signs early and end the relationships, but there will be some who don’t believe they are in a relationship with the right person but for economic reasons they remain and their personality traits make them more forgiving, which puts them in dangerous situations.”

“我们发现,相信命运的人与不合适的人交往时间越长,就越容易出现暴力,”弗兰尼克说。“他们对出现问题的关系轻描淡写,可能会给对方更长的时间。有些人可能早早看到了警告信号结束关系。也有人虽然不认为对方是对的人,但会出于经济原因继续在一起,他们的个性更加宽容,但也将他们置于危险的境地。”

It would seem that romantic beliefs remain fixed over time. So, once a destiny believer, always a destiny believer. “These theories are deeply held. Once people hit their 20s and 30s personalities are pretty stable. Like personality, relationship building is developed at an early age – children form these ideas based on the relationships around them,” says Franiuk.

对于浪漫的看法似乎是固定不变的,一旦相信命运就永远相信命运。弗兰尼克说:“这些看法在人们脑中根深蒂固。人到了二、三十岁,性格就很稳定了。与性格一样,我们的人际关系也很早就开始发展建立,孩子们会根据与周围人的相处建立对人际关系的看法。”

The two implicit theories do not need to be mutually exclusive, though. “You can have beliefs that relationships improve when couples work on them together, but [still believe] there is still the ‘right’ person out there for you,” says Freedman. “There are not going to be many people that think that no growth is possible. And we can still alter the ways we express those beliefs. We would expect that past experiences will shape how we approach new relationships.” So just because you believe in romantic destiny, you might end the relationships in a more compassionate way, rather than ghosting, or you might make a more conscious effort to work through problems rather than overlooking them.

但这两种内隐理论并非相互排斥。弗里德曼说:“你可以既相信双方共同努力能够改善关系,也坚信在茫茫人海中能够觅得真爱。很多人都相信爱会成长,我们也可以改变对这些看法的表述方式。过去的经历会影响我们如何对待新的感情。”正因为相信爱情的命运,才应该更妥善地结束一段关系,而不是悄然离去。面对问题时应该更努力地去解决,而不是视而不见。

They say the course of true love never did run smooth – but a greater awareness of our own romantic tendencies might just help us navigate those bumps and turns along the way.

人们总说,追寻真爱之路从来不会一帆风顺,但了解自己对感情的看法可能会帮助我们乘风破浪,勇往直前。

“全文请访问纽约时报中文网,本文发表于纽约时报中文网(http://cn.nytimes.com),版权归纽约时报公司所有。任何单位及个人未经许可,不得擅自转载或翻译。订阅纽约时报中文网新闻电邮:http://nytcn.me/subscription/”

相关文章列表