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你那么成功,为什么还不幸福?

更新时间:2018-2-22 20:02:02 来源:纽约时报中文网 作者:佚名

'Our formula for happiness and success is backwards'
你那么成功,为什么还不幸福?

Sebastien Bras was at the top of his game: the chef’s restaurant in southern France, Le Suquet, had received Michelin’s highly sought-after three-star rating.

塞巴斯蒂安·布拉斯(Sebastien Bras)成为了业界翘楚:这位主厨开在法国南部的Le Suquet被评为米其林三星餐厅,这是一项令人羡慕不已的殊荣。

But Bras made headlines in 2017 when he requested that the prestigious dining guide strip Le Suquet of its stars, citing the “huge pressure” of knowing that any one less-than-perfect dish could throw his restaurant’s reputation into jeopardy.

但布拉斯却在2017年因为要求米其林撤销Le Suquet的三星评级而登上媒体头条,他的理由是:当他知道,任何不够完美的菜肴都会对餐厅的声誉构成威胁时,他感受到了"巨大的压力"。

“You’re inspected two or three times a year, you never know when. Every meal that goes out could be inspected. That means, every day, one of the 500 meals that leaves the kitchen could be judged,” he told Agence France Presse news agency.

"你每年都要接受两三次检查,而且不知道在什么时候。每一道端出去的菜都有可能被检查。这就意味着每天从厨房里送出去的500道菜都有可能成为检查的对象。"他对法新社说。

“Today… we wish to be free spirits, to continue the adventure serenely, without tension,” Bras told his fans in a video posted on his Facebook page.

"今天……我们希望成为无拘无束的人,继续展开宁静的探索,没有任何压力。"布拉斯在Facebook主页上发布的视频中对他的粉丝说。

Michelin granted Bras’s request to remove Le Suquet from its listings this week – a first for the prestigious dining guide. “It is difficult for us to have a restaurant in the guide which does not wish to be in it,” Michelin spokesperson Claire Dorland Clauzel told AFP.

米其林同意了布拉斯的要求,撤销了三星评级——这在米其林的历史上尚属首次。"我们很难在指南中收录一家不愿被我们收录的餐厅。"米其林发言人克莱尔·多兰的·克劳泽尔(Claire Dorland Clauzel)对法新社说。

Bras’s story may be unique in the world of fine dining, but he is hardly the first person to climb to the top only to find happiness and success aren’t as inexorably linked as most of us assume.

布拉斯的故事在世界美食界或许独一无二,但他恐怕未必是第一个攀登顶峰之后却发现幸福与成功之间的联系不像多数人想象得那么紧密的人。

Know your enemy

了解自己的敌人

Experts say that great success often comes with a raft of unexpected complications, both in personal relationships and from your own self-perception.

专家表示,巨大的成功往往伴随着许多意想不到的"并发症",有的来自个人关系,有的源于自我认知。

Mary Lamia is a clinical psychologist and author of What Motivates Getting Things Done. She says very successful people often feel like they’re walking around wearing a target – and all too often, they’re not too far off the mark.

玛丽·拉米亚(Mary Lamia)是一名临床心理学家,她还著有《什么东西激励人们完成任务》(What Motivates Getting Things Done)。她表示,成功人士经常感觉自己带着目标四处行走——他们往往不会离目标太远。

“When you’ve achieved a certain level of success there are people who want what you have. They don’t see you as who you are anymore – they see you as what they want,” Lamia says, adding that people sometimes derive pleasure from watching those at the top of their fields falter.

"当你获得一定的成功后,就有一些人想要实现你的成就。他们不再把你当做你——而是把你当做他们想要的东西。"拉米亚说,她还补充道,人们有时会通过观察相同行业的顶尖人士来获得快乐。

And if the schadenfreude and clashes with colleagues and and loved ones weren’t enough, Lamia says the high stakes of success can also activate some extremely powerful negative emotions around fear of being exposed as inadequate.

拉米亚表示,除了幸灾乐祸,以及与同事和爱人发生冲突外,那些取得巨大成功的人还会激发一些极其负面的情绪,担心自己曝光得不够充分。

“I’ve talked to people who are wrecked by success – not everybody can embrace success in a way that makes them feel good,” Lamia says.

"我跟那些被成功毁掉的人谈过——并非所有人能以良好的心态拥抱成功。"拉米亚说。

Many people who become successful and stay at the top of their game use fear of being found out as a driving force to propel them from one achievement to the next. But according to Lamia, others become immobilised by their own fear of failure. They may take their frustration out on loved ones, turn to drugs or alcohol, or withdraw altogether from the thing they once loved to do.

很多成功人士和业界翘楚都把外界压力作为一种动力,促使自己更上一层楼。但拉米亚表示,还有人会因为害怕失败而导致自己停滞不前。他们可能把这种挫败感发泄到爱人身上,还有的会吸毒或酗酒,或者干脆放弃他们曾经热爱的事业。

For those who manage to cultivate healthy, jealousy-free relationships and use a fear of failure to propel themselves to further greatness, there remains a further barrier to success: Ever-shifting targets.

对于那些成功培育健康而没有戒备的关系,并利用对失败的恐惧来促使自己不断成就卓越的人来说,仍要在通往成功的道路上面临一个障碍,那就是不断变换的目标。

Moving the goalposts

挪动门柱

By all accounts, Dan White had it made. By his late 20s he was director of a digital agency, drove a Porsche, owned a seven-bedroom home and counted himself among the top 1% of earners in the UK.

从各个角度来看,丹·怀特(Dan White)都算得上是成功人士。他20多岁就成为一家数字公司的负责人,开着保时捷,有一套七居室的房子,还跻身1%收入最高的英国人之列。

“Money, wealth and income potential – the future growth of that – were hugely important to me and they defined me. My identity was very much wrapped up in those things, and I would internally measure myself against other people and judge myself against that.”

"金钱、财富和收入潜力——未来的增长——对我来说非常重要,而且定义了我的身份。我的身份被裹在这些东西里面,我也会在内心把自己跟别人比较,用这些指标来衡量自己。"

But White found that the goalposts kept moving. He no sooner had the Porsche than he started thinking about owning a Ferrari; he no sooner owned a house than he started thinking about how long it would be before he could buy a bigger one.

但是怀特发现,目标一直在移动。他刚买了保时捷,就想买法拉利;他刚有一套房子,就开始考虑要多久才能买到更大的房子。

Happiness researcher and the author of the Happiness Advantage Shawn Achor says that this type of thinking is extremely common – and symptomatic of a flawed approach to happiness.

快乐研究者、《幸福优势》(Happiness Advantage)的作者肖恩·阿克尔(Shawn Achor)表示,这种思维方式非常普遍——表明人们获得幸福的方式存在缺陷。

“Our formula for happiness and success is backwards,” Achor says.

"我们关于幸福和成功的公式非常落后。" 阿克尔说。

“We think if we accomplish a goal and have a certain level of success, then we will be happy,” Achor says. But he explains that every time we have a success, our brains change the benchmark for what that success looks like.

"我们认为,如果达成了一个目标,并且取得了一定的成功,我们就会很开心。"阿克尔说。但他解释道,每当我们取得了成功,我们的大脑就会改变成功的标准。

“Success is a challenge because the brain gets addicted to the rush,” Achor says. “It invests more resources into increasing that success, but sometimes at the cost of other things that lead to happiness – social connection, quiet time, reflection and peace.”

"成功是一种挑战,因为大脑沉迷于这种匆忙的状态。"阿克尔说,"它投入了更多的资源来获得更多成功,但有的时候,却要牺牲其他能够带来幸福的东西——社会关系、安静的时间、内心的反思和宁静。"

It was in one of these rare, reflective times that White had what he describes as a “road to Damascus” moment of clarity. It was New Years Day 2010, and he was on the beach with his family, reflecting on the year that had just gone by. White realised that he had allowed money and status symbols to dictate not only his life’s work, but also his own self-worth.

正是在这种少有的反思过程中,才让怀特拥有了他所说的"通往大马士革之路",理清了自己的思绪。那是2010年的新年,他当时和家人在海滩上度假,回想着刚刚过去的那一年。怀特意识到,他不仅放任金钱和社会地位支配自己毕生的事业,甚至支配他的自我价值。

Within a few years, White had left his agency job and founded Ninety, a social enterprise venture that allocates 90% of all distributable profit to charity. Ninety aims to give away a billion pounds over a period of 30 years.

几年之内,怀特离开了他的的公司,创立了一家名为Ninety的社交公司,将90%的可分配利润投入慈善事业。Ninety的目标是在30年内捐赠10亿英镑。

White says the realisation that he needed to find meaning beyond some of the traditional measures of success has paid dividends for him.

怀特说,他意识到,需要找到突破传统的成功衡量标准,正是这种认识为他带来了回报。

“Before, I was looking for people to admire me for what I had achieved. I wanted people to think I was a wealthy young overachiever. I don’t really care what people think anymore. Now I’m motivated by a sense of rightness, and that’s hugely motivational,” White says. “My life now has a point.”

"以前,我想让人们钦佩我所取得的成就。我想让人们认为我是一个富有且事业有成的年轻人。但我现在不在乎别人怎么想了。我现在的动机是正确性,这是极大的激励,"怀特说,"现在我的生活有了意义。"

A better way to handle success

用更好的方法对待成功

Experts say there are some practical ways to deal with the pitfalls of success.

专家说,可以通过一些切实可行的方法来应对成功陷阱。

Lamia says that humans have a bad habit of immediately assigning meaning to emotion, even though emotions only give us vague information to go on. Instead, she says people should learn to recognise their uncomfortable feelings about their success as just that – feelings – not indicators that a person is truly inadequate or unworthy.

拉米亚说,人类有个坏习惯,喜欢立即为情绪赋予意义,即使情绪只给我们模糊的信息。相反,她说,人们应该明白,他们对成功不舒服的感受仅仅是一种感觉,并不表明一个人真的不称职或没有价值。

“If you ask ‘why do I feel like this?’ every time you feel an emotion in the present, it instantly accesses an entire warehouse of emotional memories,” Lamia says. “Doing this allows us to learn about why we feel the way we do. We can change our habitual patterns if we take a look at the way we feel in the present.”

"如果每当你感受到一种情绪时,都问自己:'我为什么会有这种感觉?',它就会立刻参考整个情绪记忆库。" 拉米亚说,"这样做可以让我们了解为什么会有这样的感觉。看一看现在的感觉,就能改变我们的习惯模式。"

Achor suggests that the path to happiness while being successful lies in learning to focus on other things – aspects of life unrelated to professional achievements.

阿克尔认为,想在成功后获得幸福,就要学会关注其他事情,也就是生活中与职业成就无关的事情。

“If you have all your pleasure, attention and energy in one domain of your life, you become fragile,” Achor says. So if one area is doing well, diversify and put energy into social connections, exercise and altruism.

"如果你把所有的乐趣、注意力和精力都集中在生活中的一个领域,你就会变得脆弱。"阿克尔说。因此,如果一个领域做得很好,那就应该主动进行多样化,把精力投入到社会关系、体育锻炼和利他主义中。

When success is ‘all about you’ it becomes less fun, so share the success,” he says. “Take people with you on your ride.”

"当成功是"你的一切"时,它就变得不那么有趣了,所以应该分享成功。"他说,"带着其他人一起踏上旅途吧。"

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