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新年立志vs.新年现实

更新时间:2018-1-13 9:00:17 来源:纽约时报中文网 作者:佚名

New Year’s Resolutions Versus New Year’s Realities
新年立志vs.新年现实

New Year’s Resolution: Read great literature!

新年立志:读文学巨著!

New Year’s Reality: Outmaneuver an elderly woman to nab your bookstore’s last copy of “Fire and Fury.” Continue to use “Middlemarch” as a coaster.

新年现实:比某位老太太更快一步抢到书店里的最后一本《炮火与怒火》(Fire and Fury)。继续把《米德尔马契》(Middlemarch)当做杯垫。

New Year’s Resolution: Remain active in the Resistance!

新年立志:继续积极参加“抵抗”运动!

New Year’s Reality: Call your senator exactly once and hang up when put on hold. Then reward yourself by watching Season 2 of “The Crown” in a single sitting.

新年现实:打给你所在州的参议员,就打一次,要是让你等待接听就挂电话了。然后奖励自己可以一次性看完《王冠》(The Crown)的第二季。

New Year’s Resolution: Exercise daily!

新年立志:每天锻炼!

New Year’s Reality: Pay well over $150 a month for a luxury gym. Then hunch over your keyboard for 12 hours a day. When you notice your back hurts, sink deeper into your office chair and accept your early-onset arthritis. This is your life now.

新年现实:在一家豪华健身房每个月花上远远不止150美元。然后一天12小时弓着背在电脑前。当你发现自己后背疼痛,就又往办公椅的深处陷了一些并接受自己的早发性关节炎。认命吧。

New Year’s Resolution: Make healthy dinners with nary a carbohydrate in sight!

新年立志:做一顿看不见一丁点碳水化合物的健康晚餐!

New Year’s Reality: Spend two hours poring over old Mark Bittman easy weeknight recipes. Go so far as to draw up a grocery list for a simple salmon dinner. Then log on to Seamless and order chicken fingers with extra honey mustard. Allow yourself an order of onion rings because your period is in two weeks and you’re definitely PMS-ing. When you don’t hit the minimum order amount, throw in three cans of regular Coke. Blame society’s blinkered beauty standards for the fact that your pants no longer zip.

新年现实:花上两个小时仔细研究那本旧的马克·比特曼(Mark Bittman)工作日晚餐简易菜谱。你看得如此入迷,以至于为了一道简单的三文鱼餐列出了一整张购物清单。然后你登陆了Seamless外卖网站,点上两个加了双倍蜂蜜芥末酱的鸡柳。再允许自己点一份洋葱圈,因为还有两周你就要来月经了,现在绝对有经前综合症。要是达不到起送价,再加三罐普通可乐。如果你的裤子拉链又拉不上了,就怪到这个社会狭隘的审美标准头上吧。

New Year’s Resolution: Get out of your comfort zone!

新年立志:逃离舒适区!

New Year’s Reality: Recoil when encountering a viewpoint you find offensive at a party. Leave immediately and seek refuge scrolling through your Facebook feed in bed. Tell yourself that this will make a great think piece.

新年现实:在派对上听到一个让你感觉冒犯的观点你就退缩了。马上离开,在床上翻看Facebook的推送寻求慰藉。告诉自己,这可以写成一篇很棒的时评文章。

New Year’s Resolution: Download a mindfulness app!

新年立志:下载一个冥想软件!

New Year’s Reality: Put the app on the fourth screen of your iPhone, right next to “stocks” and “wallet.” Then proceed to download Tinder and delete it the next day. Repeat indefinitely.

新年现实:把软件装在你iPhone的第四个屏上,紧靠“股票”和“钱包”应用旁边。接着就开始下载Tinder然后第二天再删除,如此往复。

New Year’s Resolution: Order a print newspaper subscription because democracy dies in darkness!

新年立志:订阅一份印刷版报纸,因为民主是死在黑暗中的!

New Year’s Reality: Read the news on Twitter. Let the papers pile up and throw them out with the regular garbage.

新年现实:在Twitter上看新闻。让报纸摞成一堆,再和日常垃圾一起丢出去。

New Year’s Resolution: Indulge yourself by soaking in the tub!

新年立志:在浴缸里泡个澡,宠爱自己吧!

New Year’s Reality: Close your eyes and breathe in the aroma of the lavender bath crystals you got at the farmers market. Praise yourself for buying local. Breathe out and open your eyes to a deep gray ring in your tub. Cringe. Order a six-pack of magic erasers on Amazon.

新年现实:闭上眼睛,吸入你从农夫市场买来的薰衣草浴晶的香气。因为购买了当地商品表扬自己。呼出一口气,睁开眼睛看到浴缸里深灰色的一圈。有些尴尬。上亚马逊定了6个神奇清洁海绵。

New Year’s Resolution: Keep a journal!

新年立志:坚持写日记!

New Year’s Reality: Text GIFs compulsively while your Moleskine remains untouched on your nightstand. One frustrating day at work, turn to it to vent, but stop yourself because the creamy paper doesn’t deserve your negativity.

新年现实:强迫性地发送着GIF动图短信,而Moleskine牌的笔记本还在小夜桌上丝毫未动。工作了一天备受打击,想把它当做出口,但你阻止了自己,因为这些消极思想配不上这么柔顺细腻的纸。

New Year’s Resolution: Buy essential oils!

新年立志:买点精油!

New Year’s Reality: Type the following into Google: “What are essential oils and what do they do and how do I use them.” Toss them under your sink.

新年现实:在谷歌里输入:“精油是什么,精油有什么用,精油怎么用。”再扔到水槽底下。

New Year’s Resolution: Get eight hours of sleep!

新年立志:睡足八小时!

New Year’s Reality: … If you have the time after reading the full Wikipedia entries for Watergate and Charles Manson, then watching three makeup tutorials and a “West Wing” episode on your laptop. Remember: Using your phone 15 minutes before bedtime can mess up your R.E.M. sleep.

新年现实:……如果你在电脑上读完了维基百科上收录的水门事件和查尔斯·曼森(Charles Manson)的所有词条,再看完三集美妆教程和一集《白宫风云》(The West Wing)后还有时间的话。记住:上床睡觉前15分钟用手机会打乱你的快速眼动(REM)睡眠。

New Year’s Resolution: Stop comparing yourself to your friends!

新年立志:别再拿自己和朋友比了!

New Year’s Reality: Stare at your best friend’s engagement ring. Really stare at it. It’s so big and gorgeous. Flashy, really. Frankly, it’s inappropriate.

新年现实:盯着你好朋友的订婚钻戒。直勾勾的盯着。钻戒又大又好看。真浮夸。说实话,这样不太合适。

New Year’s Resolution: Walk to work!

新年立志:走路上班!

New Year’s Reality: Put on your sneakers and venture out. Become convinced that you’re getting frostbite after four blocks, which, conveniently, is the location of your favorite coffee shop. Stop in for a croissant and a cappuccino. Order an Uber.

新年现实:穿上运动鞋大胆出门。走了四个街区就相信自己快被冻伤了,正巧,这里有一家你最喜欢的咖啡厅。进去吃一个牛角包,喝一杯卡布奇诺。再叫一辆优步。

New Year’s Resolution: Delete Uber!

新年立志:删掉优步!

New Year’s Reality: Who are you kidding?

新年现实:逗谁呢?

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