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我讨厌猫,我会孤独终老

更新时间:2017-12-3 11:54:01 来源:纽约时报中文网 作者:佚名

I’m a Lesbian Who Hates Cats. I’m Going to Die Alone.
我讨厌猫,我会孤独终老

I’m a newly single, 34-year-old lesbian, and I have a list of relationship deal breakers. I keep it on my phone, where an alarm reminds me to reread it each month. On this list are 49 (so far) personality or lifestyle traits I now know, from excruciating experience, that I’m so unwilling to negotiate — they can kill even the sweetest, most tender bud on the vine of romance.

我是一名刚刚变回单身的34岁的女同性恋,我把可以绝杀恋爱关系的东西列成了一个单子。我把它存在我的手机上,设了个闹钟,每个月提醒我读一遍。(到目前为止)这份清单上列出了我不愿意忍受的49种性格或生活方式,它们是我从以往极其痛苦的经历中总结出来的——它们甚至可以扼杀浪漫藤蔓上最甜、最嫩的新芽。

Here are some of my personal deal breakers:

以下是我个人的一些分手理由:

If you are …

如果你……

A gamer.

是一个爱玩游戏的人;

In a band and serious about it.

有一个乐队,而且对它的态度很认真;

Self-loathing/not out of the closet/a Trump voter.

自我厌恶/没有出柜/支持特朗普;

A birthday monster (someone who refers to their “birthday week” or “birthday month” and is “ha-ha, kidding!” but not at all kidding).

是一个生日怪物(我指的是那些喜欢提自己的“生日周”或“生日月”,然后说“哈哈,开玩笑啦”但其实一点都不是在开玩笑的人);

Someone who does improv.

是一个玩即兴表演的人;

Someone who actually just needs a mommy.

是一个其实只是想找个妈的人;

Or you are …

或者你……

Bad at basic living, such as shopping for groceries, cooking or cleaning.

连基本的生活能力都没有,比如买菜做饭或打扫卫生;

Born into major financial privilege and pretending to be broke.

出生在一个非常富有的家庭,却假装很穷;

A militant vegan.

是一个激进纯素主义者;

Someone who posts excessively on social media about CrossFit, yoga or marathons.

在社交媒体上过多地谈论混合健身(CrossFit)、瑜伽或马拉松。

All of these mean it’s just not going to work.

所有这些都意味着,这段关系维持不下去。

After a particularly bad date this year, I went to a bar with a friend. We laughed as she read the list aloud and joked about adding pettier items to it (wears Keen sandals to a first date/can’t come up with a single hobby besides “hanging out with my friends”).

今年,在经历了一次特别糟糕的约会之后,我和一个朋友去酒吧。她大声朗读这份清单,我们咯咯大笑,还开玩笑说要增加一些更琐碎的条目(比如,第一次约会时穿Keen牌凉鞋;除了“和朋友一起出去玩”之外,想不出其他爱好)。

We were tipsy by the time she got to No. 29: “Loves cats and has a cat that only lives inside/has more than one cat.”

她念到第29条时,我们都有了几分醉意:“爱猫,养着一只不出家门的猫/有不止一只猫。”

Her voice faltered on this item. I took a sip of my cocktail. My friend looked up at me.

说出这一条时,她的声音有些犹豫。我呷了一口鸡尾酒。我的朋友抬起头看着我。

“You’re going to die alone,” she said.

“你会孤独终老的,”她说。

It’s important to keep blunt people in your life. She’s right. I’ve long since accepted it. I’m a lesbian who hates cats, and I am going to die alone.

生活中有个直率的朋友很重要。她是对的,我很早就知道。我是一个讨厌猫的女同性恋,我肯定会孤独终老。

Do you know who mostly owns cats? Women. Queers. Not all women, and not all queers, obviously, but go on, I dare you — try being queer and hating cats and looking online for dates. So many queers on Tinder or Her or OkCupid are obsessed with their cats. Sometimes they will post pictures of their cats as their only profile picture. The picture they want to show to prospective lovers as representative of who they are? A tabby wrapped in a blanket.

你知道养猫的大多是什么人吗?女性。酷儿。当然不是所有的女性、所有酷儿都养猫,不过,我敢打赌——不信你试试以一个讨厌猫的酷儿身份在网上寻找约会对象就知道了。Tinder、Her或OkCupid上的很多同性恋者都痴迷于自己的猫。有时她们会把猫的照片作为唯一的头像。她们展示给潜在爱人的代表自己个性的照片是什么呢?一只裹在毯子里的虎斑猫。

Even if there’s no cat picture on their profile, even if you meet that rare someone who doesn’t show you cat pictures on their phone immediately on your first date, nine times out of 10, you will walk in their front door and see a haughty, fluffy tail moving away from you. “Oh, that’s Shadow,” your new date will say. “I got her with my ex. Watch out when you go around corners — she likes to play-attack.”

就算她们的简介里没有猫的照片,就算你偶尔能遇见一个没有在初次约会时立刻向你展示她手机里的猫照片的人,当你走进她家的前门,十有八九还是会看到一只傲慢的、毛茸茸的尾巴正在走开。“噢,那是Shadow,”你的新约会对象会说。“我跟前女友一起养的。你拐角时小心点——她喜欢玩攻击游戏。”

No cat is play-attacking you, my friends. There is only attacking and not-attacking, and I am consistently amazed at the number of people who think it’s cute to be pounced on in the dark, in your own home, by something with razor-wire claws.

我的朋友们,没有哪只猫在跟你玩攻击游戏。它们要么攻击,要么没有攻击。我一直不能理解为什么那么多人认为,在自己家里、在黑暗中,有一只带有利爪的动物猛扑过来,是件可爱的事。

Cats are the worst pet. Cats can literally eat you after a period of 24 hours if you die in an apartment with them. They don’t wait to see if you’re maybe just sleeping super hard. They start with the eyeballs.

猫是最糟糕的宠物。如果你在一间有猫的公寓里死去,24小时后,它们真的会开始吃掉你。它们不会等着看你是否只是睡得很沉。它们从眼球开始吃起。

Cats go to the bathroom in a box inside your house, kick their own feces, which can be riddled with nasty viruses, and then hop on counters where food is being prepared or wander lazily on dining room tables, where food is served and eaten. People seem fine with this. People I cannot date.

猫在你的房子里用一个盒子当厕所,扒拉自己的屎,里面全是讨厌的病毒,然后跳上做饭的台面,或者懒洋洋地在饭桌上游荡,那可是吃饭的地方。人们似乎觉得无所谓。我可不能和这样的人约会。

Cats get litter between their toes and track it all over the house, so the pleasure of being barefoot is ruined at every gross, gravelly step. If you are dating someone who allows their cat in bed with them, then see above: Cats kick their own feces, so now there is both cat litter and cat feces in the bed. The bed is where sleeping happen, by the way — important activities to share with someone you’re dating.

猫的脚趾缝里全是猫砂,弄得整个房子都是,满地都是恶心的砂粒,把光脚的乐趣都毁了。如果你正在和一个允许猫上床的人约会,那么请看上面的内容:猫扒拉自己的屎,所以他们的床上又有猫砂又有猫屎。顺便说一下,床是睡觉的地方——这是和约会对象一起进行的重要活动。

Cats don’t love you. They don’t. It has been proven. They are narcissistic serial killers who are manipulating you with their every move. They’re not excited when you come home from work or a trip; in fact, they punish you for leaving by peeing on soft surfaces or destroying the first couch you ever bought that wasn’t from Ikea.

猫不爱你。绝对不爱。这是已经被证实了的。它们是自恋的连环杀手,它们的一举一动都在操纵你。当你下班或者旅行回家时,它们并不兴奋;事实上,它们在柔软的表面上撒尿,或者毁掉你第一张不是从宜家买的沙发,以此来惩罚你。

I have exes like that.

我有过这样的前任。

I’ve often wondered why women and queers love cats so much, and in the end, I think it might be this: It’s possible we’ve been conditioned to love and perform labor for creatures that don’t necessarily love us back, care about our needs and may even wish us ill. Like women loving cis men. Like all of us in the dating world, intrigued by the person who doesn’t want us but is terribly, terribly cute and elusive and gives us just enough hope to continue the pursuit.

我经常想,为什么女人和酷儿都那么喜欢猫,最后我觉得可能是这样的:我们可能已经习惯了去爱那些不一定用爱来回报我们,不在乎我们的需求,甚至诅咒我们的生物。就像那些喜欢顺性男的女人一样。就像约会的时候,我们所有人都会迷恋那些不喜欢我们,但却非常可爱、难以捉摸,而且给了我们足够希望继续追求他们的人。

Cats mirror bad relationships. They ghost you. You want your cat to love you, so you feed your cat special food it likes; you brush it, you clean up after it and try really hard to win its affection, and in the end — where’s the cat? The cat has been on the top shelf of the closet, sleeping, for 11 hours; the cat doesn’t care. Cats string you along with tiny rewards — a burst of purring on the couch, a 20-second “making biscuits” chest massage (claws can absolutely be felt, but isn’t he sweet!) — and keep you emotionally invested in the relationship.

猫是糟糕恋情的写照。它们阴魂不散地缠着你。你希望你的猫爱你,所以你用它喜欢的特别食物喂它;你给它梳毛,你追着它打扫收拾,努力赢得它的好感。到头来,猫到哪儿去了?猫在壁橱的顶层睡了11个小时,猫才不在乎。猫用它小小的奖励操纵着你——在沙发上发出一连串的咕噜噜声,在你胸口踩奶20秒,意思是“拿猫粮来”(爪子当然会挠着我,但它不是很可爱吗!)——让你继续将感情投入到这段关系中。

People who really love cats are masochists; they’re so happy to be even acknowledged by their evil-yet-adorable pets that they will keep taking care of them indefinitely, aware they’re being used. Aware that they’re being exposed to bacteria and the incredible nastiness that is cat litter and still O.K. with their end of the bargain.

真正爱猫的人都是受虐狂。他们很高兴得到这些邪恶而又可爱的宠物的承认,他们明知自己被利用,也会一直照顾它们。他们明知自己暴露在猫砂带来的细菌和令人难以置信的肮脏之下,还觉得一切无所谓,还愿意一直坚持下去。

Maybe this is what’s really behind No. 29 on my list of deal breakers: Truly loving cats means hating yourself. And that’s a quality I cannot accept in dates. But message me if you’re a dog person.

也许这就是我的恋爱关系绝杀清单第29条背后真正的原因:真心爱猫就意味着憎恨自己。约会对象如果有这样的品质,那是我不能接受的。但是,如果你爱狗,请你联系我。

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