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中国女性结婚压力大,网上情感顾问受追捧

更新时间:2017-6-19 18:53:06 来源:纽约时报中文网 作者:佚名

China, Where the Pressure to Marry Is Strong, and the Advice Flows Online
中国女性结婚压力大,网上情感顾问受追捧

BEIJING — Every evening, Liang Xuemeng goes online to read the latest postings from Ayawawa, one of China’s most popular advice columnists.

北京——每天晚上,梁雪梦都要上网阅读中国最红的情感咨询专栏作家之一Ayawawa的新贴。

“I’ve learned a lot from Ayawawa,” said Ms. Liang, 29, an office clerk in Beijing. “I wish I’d started following her before my first marriage failed.”

“我从娃娃那里学到了很多,我后悔没有在第一次婚姻中接触到娃娃的理论。”北京29岁的办公室职员梁女士说道。

Ayawawa is the online name of Yang Bingyang, one of several online advice dispensers who have won celebrity in China by tapping into urban women’s anxieties about finding a man to marry.

利用都市女性寻找男人结婚的焦虑,有几个网上情感咨询师在中国成为了名人。网名Ayawawa的杨冰阳就是其中之一。

A former model, author of nine books and, she says, one of the first Chinese admitted to Mensa, the high I.Q. society, Ms. Yang has 2.8 million followers on Weibo, a Twitter-like messaging service, and 1.3 million on WeChat, the social media platform where she answers readers’ questions.

她曾经当过模特,写过九本书,自称高智商者协会门萨俱乐部(Mensa)的第一批中国成员。杨冰阳在类似Twitter的微博平台上拥有280万粉丝,在社交媒体平台微信上拥有130万粉丝,她在这些平台上回答读者的提问。

“Since I was very young, even before I had my first relationship, I’ve been good at giving advice on relationships to people around me,” Ms. Yang said in an interview.

杨冰阳在接受采访时说:“我很小的时候,甚至在初恋之前,我就比较擅长给身边人的情感问题出谋划策。”

Although women in their 20s are greatly outnumbered by men in the same age group in China, a product in part of the since-abandoned one-child family policy and a cultural preference for sons, they face enormous pressure to marry. Those who do not have a husband by the age of 27 are routinely branded as “leftover women,” with diminishing value in the dating market.

在中国,20多岁的男性数量远多于女性,这是已经取消的独生子女政策和重男轻女的文化传统所致,虽然如此,女性却面临着巨大的结婚压力。27岁没有结婚的女性常常被称为“剩女”,在婚恋市场上的价值逐渐下降。

Many of these “leftover women” are well-educated urban professionals in a society where men prefer women who are younger and less successful than themselves. The surplus of bachelors shows up mostly on the other end of the spectrum, poor rural men, prompting the state-run All-China Women’s Federation to urge women to lower their standards, lest they, too, end up as “leftovers.”

这些“剩女”很多都是受过良好教育的都市专业人士,在这样一个社会,男人喜欢比自己年轻、没有自己成功的女人。而剩男多聚集在另一头,即贫穷的农村男性,因此中华全国妇女联合会敦促女性降低择偶标准,以免成为“剩女”。

The stress surrounding the search for a suitable partner has given rise to highly rated television dating shows and public matchmaking events. And to advice columnists like Ayawawa, who can detail the techniques for dating and marrying a man.

寻找合适伴侣的压力催生了高收视率的电视相亲节目和公开相亲活动。还有像Ayawawa这样的情感咨询专栏作家,向大家详细介绍和男人约会以及结婚的技巧。

The columnists have their critics, who accuse them of reinforcing gender stereotypes, but the columnists counter that they are simply acknowledging reality.

有些人批评这些专栏作家,指责他们强化了性别的刻板印象,但专栏作家们反驳说,他们只不过是在承认现实。

“Our world has been hijacked by political correctness,” Ms. Yang said. “I’m criticized for telling the truth about the differences between men and women.”

“我们的世界已经被政治正确绑架了。”杨冰阳说:“我因为说出了男女的差别而受到批评。”

She compared managing a relationship to taking an examination. “If there’s something wrong with the exam, it’s not my job to change how it works, but to tell my followers how to take the exam and score a high grade under the existing circumstances.”

她把关系的经营比作考试。“就像是高考,现在很多人说高考制度有问题,但是我不是那个改变高考制度的人,我是提供应考策略,让她们在这个制度下得到更高的成绩。”

Ms. Liang wishes she’d paid attention earlier. “Then I’d have understood the importance of a woman’s M.V. and P.U.,’’ she said.

粱女士希望自己早一些关注杨冰阳。“如果早一点接触她的理论,我就能早一些了解到女人M.V.和P.U.的知识,”她说。

As Ayawawa explains on her WeChat home page, “M.V.” stands for “Mate Value,” and “P.U.” refers to “Paternity Uncertainty.”

Ayawawa在她的微信主页上解释说,“M.V.”代表的是“婚恋市场价值”,而“P.U.”是指“亲子不确定性”。

She elaborated: “A man’s M.V. is determined by his age, height, looks, wealth, I.Q., emotional quotient, sexual capacity and willingness to make a long-term commitment.” The eight elements in a woman’s M.V. are her “age, looks, height, bra cup size, weight, academic degrees, personality and family background.”

她进行了说明:“一个男人的M.V.的衡量标准主要有8项:年龄、身高、长相、财富、智商、情商、性能力和长期承诺。与男人标准相对应,衡量一个女人的M.V.的8项标准为:年龄、长相、身高、罩杯、体重、学历、性格、家庭环境。”

As for P.U., Ayawawa said, “In human evolutionary history, a man’s great concern is that he cannot be certain if he is the father of his partner’s child.” So she advises her female readers: “Don’t wear revealing clothes. Don’t be always posting pictures of yourself drinking in a bar. Be a lady, speak softly, be modest.”

对于P.U.,Ayawawa说:“在整个人类进化历史中,男性一直面临着父亲身份不确定的问题。”所以她建议她的女性读者:“平时要注意不要穿太暴露的衣服。不要总发喝酒照片。行为要淑女,说话要温声,要矜持。”

Her suggestions to women include letting the man take the lead. Don’t call him for the first few dates. Don’t have sex for the first few months. In response to one young woman’s request for advice about a suitor, she counseled, “Hold back. Make him invest more in you,” meaning both time and money.

她给女性的建议还包括让男人采取主动。在前几次约会不要打电话给对方。头几个月不要有性行为。在回应一名年轻女子关于追求者的咨询意见,她建议,“打住。让他在你身上投更多的资,”投资既包括时间,也包括金钱。

Ms. Liang credits Ayawawa’s advice with rescuing her romantic life. She’s now engaged to marry.

梁女士说,Ayawawa的建议拯救了她的恋爱关系。她现在订婚了。

Many of Ayawawa’s fans consider her the personification of the success they crave for themselves: attractive, married to a man she describes as a loving husband, the mother of two children.

Ayawawa的很多粉丝们把她当作自己渴望的那种成功的化身:有吸引力,有一个据说是充满爱心的丈夫,生了两个孩子。

By contrast, Lu Qi, a popular online relationship adviser with 26 million followers on Weibo, owes much of his credibility to being a single man in his early 30s, who presumably knows firsthand what such men really think of women. He also said that his advice was based on extensive research in the social sciences and psychology.

相比之下,另一个很红的网上情感顾问陆琪拥有2600万微博粉丝,这和他是一个30出头的单身男子有很大关系,因为他可能真的知道男人对女人的看法。而且陆琪还表示,他的建议建立在广泛的社会科学和心理学研究的基础上。

“Chinese schools don’t offer a proper education in love and relationships,” Mr. Lu said in an interview. “People get their ideas mostly from TV dramas.”

“中国人在学校里面没有接受到正规的恋爱教育。”陆琪在接受采访时表示:“大多数人的恋爱价值观是通过电视剧得来的。”

Asked whether he really believed there were rules governing love, he said, “You can’t measure love, of course, but there are some rules that apply to all relationships and social interactions.”

当被问及他是否真的相信有爱情规则时,他说:“我个人觉得爱情是不可定量化的。但是人际关系有一定规律可循,会有一个大致的趋向性。”

He expounds on some of these in taped lectures he sells online, on such subjects as: “Teaching women to solve relationship problems in a scientific way. Overcoming lingering feelings from a former relationship. Fighting a ‘little third’” — a Chinese term for a third party in a relationship.

他的在线节目对一些问题做了阐释,其中一些主题包括:“教女性用科学方法解决情感问题:快速脱单,戒断旧情,挽回前任,击退小三等。”小三指的是一段关系中的第三方。

Mr. Lu is also famous for sharing his doctrines on Weibo.

陆琪还以在微博上分享自己的信条出名。

“For women, spending more time with a man deepens her love. But for a man, the longer he stays with a woman, the less he loves her,” Mr. Lu posted this month.

“时间可以让一个女人慢慢爱上男人,但时间却很难让男人慢慢爱上女人。女人的爱情可以通过陪伴、累积而越来越多,可男人的爱情却会随着时间而慢慢减少。”

He said he wanted to empower women by teaching them to be pragmatists about what they want from men.

他说,他想通过教女性成为两性关系中的实用主义者,从而赋予女性权力。

“In traditional China, women had an easier life,” he said. “They didn’t need to work hard and have a career, though, of course, they lacked certain rights. Feminism has made women’s lives harder, not easier. I’m teaching women how to get ahead.”

“中国历来教育女性过的更轻松。”他说,“社会不期待她们工作努力事业有成,当然,这也是有代价的。但是女权主义是让女性过的更辛苦。我是一个女性实用主义者,但是我希望女性过的更好。”

Lu Pin, a founder of Feminist Voices, an online journal devoted to women’s issues, said the counsel provided by online advisers underlined how Chinese society should change.

吕频是专门讨论女性问题的网络期刊女性之声的创始人,她说,网上情感顾问提供的建议突显了中国社会应该做出怎样的改变。

“Both of them advise women to manipulate men to gain material benefits,” Ms. Lu said. “The question is, Why in China is it women who scheme to get men to commit to marriage? Why, when it comes to marriage, are women the sellers and men the buyers? It’s because women don’t have the space to develop themselves.”

“他们的观点异曲同工。他们都是指导女性如何从男人身上谋取利益。”吕频说:“但是今天现实变得很露骨,为什么完全是女性向男性谋取婚姻?在婚姻这个问题上,男女方为什么变成了买方和卖方的关系?根本上是因为女性缺乏一个独立发展的途径。”

She said economic progress in China had not been accompanied by progress on gender relations.

她说,中国的经济进步了,但两性关系并没有随之进步。

“It’s sad to see, when the economy has produced so many more opportunities, that more and more women believe that getting married is superior to working hard and achieving a successful career,” she said.

她说:“我们的经济发展带来了更多的机会,但是男女掌握机会的差距变大。同时有越来越多的女性相信‘干得好不如嫁的好’,这个是我们这个时代的悲哀。”

Ms. Liang shrugs off such criticism of the advice she credits with helping her find a new husband. Sometimes Ayawawa fans meet on weekends to discuss how to improve their M.V. Ms. Liang, for example, is trying to lose weight and improve her makeup skills and is practicing baking.

梁女士对这些指责不以为然,因为她觉得能找到新丈夫就是这种情感建议的功劳。有时候,Ayawawa的粉丝会在周末见面,讨论如何改善她们的M.V.。例如梁女士试图减肥,提高她的化妆技巧,并且正在练习烘焙。

As for the charge that the online advisers promote a backward view of gender relations, she said: “The differences between men and women are inborn. I take these ideas seriously because I want a better life for myself, not because I’m eager to make the world better for women.”

当问到怎么看待这些情感博主的理论受到质疑,梁小姐说,“男女差异天生存在。我关注娃娃的理论,因为我想要在现有的社会条件下收获更好的生活,而不是我多么渴望创造一个对女性更公平的社会。”

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