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17岁那年的爆炸给了我新的生命

更新时间:2017-5-26 12:21:30 来源:纽约时报中文网 作者:佚名

A Terrorist’s Teenage Target
17岁那年的爆炸给了我新的生命

I was 17 when the bombing happened — just a few years older than many of the kids murdered this Monday night at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England. It was June 1, 2001, and I decided to go out to the Dolphinarium, a disco on the beach in Tel Aviv, with three of my friends: Liana, Oksana and Tanya.

爆炸发生那年我17岁,只比周一晚上在英国曼彻斯特的阿丽亚娜·格兰德(Ariana Grande)演唱会上遭到杀害的许多孩子们大了几岁。那是2001年的6月1日,我和三个朋友,利阿娜(Liana)、奥科萨娜(Oksana)和坦娅(Tanya)打算去特拉维夫海滩一个名叫“海豚馆”的迪斯科舞厅玩。

We went to that club almost every weekend. It was the summer before our mandatory army service, and we planned to spend it together — dancing, biking, swimming and tanning.

我们几乎每个周末都去那个夜店。那年夏天之后我们就要去服法定的兵役了,我们打算整个夏天都泡在一起——跳舞、骑车、游泳,把自己晒得黑黑的。

Girls could get in to the club free before midnight — and we didn’t have any money, so we decided to go early. We bought a bottle of cheap vodka from a convenience store and hung out on the beach talking and taking sips until we saw a crowd start to gather outside the door at 11:30 p.m.

午夜之前夜店对女孩是免门票的,我们没什么钱,所以就决定早点去。我们在一家便利店买了一瓶便宜的伏特加,在沙滩上闲逛、聊天、喝酒,直到11点半,我们看到人群开始在门外聚集。

Tanya and I got into the line on the left-hand side of the door; Oksana and Liana went to the right so we could all get in faster. Then, at 11:44 p.m., a Hamas suicide bomber blew himself up at the entrance to the club.

我和坦娅在门左边排队,奥科萨娜和利阿娜去了右边,这样我们都可以更快一点儿进去。然后,晚上11点44分,一个哈马斯(Hamas)自杀式袭击者在夜店入口处引爆了炸弹。

Everything went mute. To this day, I don’t know if I lost consciousness. All I know is that I had flown some distance in the air, and everywhere I looked there were dead bodies. It seemed that every single person in that line had been murdered except for me. Liana died on the spot. A total of 21 people were killed, 16 of them were teenagers.

一切声音都消失了。直到今天,我依然不知道自己当时是否失去了意识。我只知道自己在空中飞出去一段距离,周围看到的一切都是尸体。似乎除了我以外,排在这条队上的每一个人都死了。利阿娜当场死亡。共有21人遇害,其中16人是青少年。

There was blood on me, but I didn’t feel any pain and didn’t know whom the blood belonged to. My only thought was that I had to find my phone to call my mom. The battery had been dislodged, and I somehow managed to put it back into the phone.

我身上有血,但我没有感觉到任何疼痛,也不知道这些血是谁的。我唯一的念头就是必须找到手机,好给妈妈打电话。电池已经脱落下来,我不知怎么想法把它放回去了。

All of a sudden, I felt very, very cold. I put my hand on my neck and three of my fingers went deep inside my throat. Four steel balls — the kind that are inside pinball machines — had torn into my flesh. That’s when I started to panic.

突然间,我觉得非常非常冷。我把手放在脖子上,三根手指深深陷入了喉咙。四颗钢珠——类似弹球台里那种——打进了我的肉里。我这才开始恐慌起来。

Somehow, I don’t know how, I crawled on my stomach toward a “makolet” (bodega). I will never forget the dead girl on the ground near the store. She was wearing a silver dress and had shoulder-length blond hair. There wasn’t a scratch on her. It looked as though she had had a heart attack. Or had simply fallen out of the sky.

不知怎么,我爬向旁边一个“makolet”(卖酒的小店)。我永远不会忘记那家店旁边躺着一个死去的女孩。她穿着一条银色裙子,金发披肩,身上没有伤痕,看上去好像是心脏病发作了,或者就是从天上掉下来的。

At some point a soldier came and carried me into the makolet. Only then did I start hearing the screams and notice the cameras in my face. Liana’s twin brother showed up at the scene, desperate to find his sister: “Where’s Liana? Where’s Liana?” All I could do was point in the direction of the bodies. Much later, I found out that my family knew I had been in the blast only because they saw me on TV, lying on the sidewalk and reaching for help.

过了一段时间,一个士兵来了,把我抬进那家店。直到那时,我才开始听到尖叫声,并且注意到有很多镜头对着我的脸。利阿娜的孪生兄弟出现在现场,绝望地寻找他的姊妹:“利阿娜在哪里?利阿娜在哪里?”我能做的只有指向那些尸体的方向。很久以后我才得知,家人是因为在电视里看到我趴在人行道上求救,因此知道我也在爆炸现场。

I was one of the lucky ones. I got to the hospital first. If I hadn’t dragged myself out of there, I wouldn’t be alive.

我是幸运者之一,第一批到达了医院。如果没有自己爬出来,我就不会活下去。

I was in a coma for six days. My operation lasted 12 hours. I had been wearing platform shoes during the attack and those extra few inches saved my life — otherwise the metal would have hit my brain. The doctor gave my mother the steel balls to keep.

我昏迷了六天,手术持续了12个小时。爆炸时我穿着高跟鞋,正是这额外的几英寸高度救了我的命——否则那些金属就会打进我的大脑。医生把取出的钢球给了我母亲作为纪念。

When I came out of the coma I couldn’t speak: I had tubes in my throat, nose and mouth. My family gave me a piece of paper and a pencil to communicate. The first thing I wrote was: “Where is Oksana? Where is Liana?”

从昏迷中醒来时,我还不能说话:我的喉咙、鼻子和嘴里都插着管子。家人给了我一张纸和一支铅笔来沟通。我写的第一件事是:“奥科萨娜在哪里?利阿娜在哪里?”

Oksana survived, but was injured badly — she had nails in her back, stomach, arm and leg. Tanya, somehow, was unscathed, even though she had been standing next to me.

奥科萨娜活下来了,但伤势严重——她的背部、腹部、手臂和腿部都有钉子。坦娅不知怎么毫发无损,尽管她就站在我身边。

They kept Liana’s death a secret for another week and a half; they told me she had a broken leg. Liana’s twin brother visited me every day in the hospital, which I thought was weird. Why was he with me and not his sister? The moment I found out Liana died was when the reality of the situation hit me.

至于利阿娜的死讯,他们瞒了我一个半星期;只告诉我她有一条腿断了。利阿娜的孪生兄弟每天都来医院看望我,我觉得很奇怪。他为什么总跟着我,不去看他的姊妹呢?发现利阿娜已经死去的那一刻,我才沉重地意识到整件事的现实感。

For me, a bombing was something you see on the news. Even in Israel, you don’t think it can happen to you. Until this day, I see it in pieces, like a nightmare.

对我来说,爆炸原本是新闻里才有的事。即便在以色列,你也不认为这种事可能会发生在你身上。那一个个瞬间至今仍在我眼前浮现,就像是一场噩梦。

The recovery was very, very hard. The doctor said there was barely a chance I would ever speak again. But I learned again how to speak, how to eat, little by little.

恢复过程非常非常艰苦。医生说我很有可能再也无法开口说话。但是我又一次一点点学会了如何说话,如何吃饭。

One thing that helped was that other survivors from other bombings — the Dolphinarium attack occurred at the height of the Second Intifada — came to visit me, wrote me letters and called me. I remember one guy came to visit who had only one leg. He told me that it would take time, but that I would get stronger.

海豚馆爆炸正值第二次巴勒斯坦起义(Second Intifada)的高潮,其他爆炸事件中的幸存者们来看望我、写信或是打电话给我,这对我也很有帮助。我记得有个来看望我的人只有一条腿。他告诉我,这需要时间,但是我会变得更强大。

It’s like I have two lives. One before the bombing and one after. I really do feel that I was reborn that day. Every time there’s a “tekes” (a memorial ceremony) on June 1, we survivors, many of us good friends, wish one another happy birthday.

我就像得到了两次生命。爆炸之前是一次,爆炸之后是另一次。我确实感觉自己在那一天里重生了。每年六月一日都会举行“tekes”(悼念仪式),我们这些生还者当中有很多人成了好朋友,我们会在那一天祝愿彼此生日快乐。

The terrorists try to paralyze us with fear and make us weaker, but it made me the opposite. I became kinder, more grateful, more attentive to the smallest details of life, and, yes, more resilient.

恐怖分子试图用恐惧令我们变得更加冷漠而软弱,但是对于我来说恰恰相反。我变得更加亲切、更加感恩,更注重生命中微小的细节,而且,是的,我也变得更顽强。

I try my best not to focus on the horror of the attack, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about it, and every time I see an incident on the news it feels surreal: I can’t believe that I went through it. And that now I’m one of the people sitting on the couch watching the news of children murdered, this time by the Islamic State.

我尽量不去关注袭击是多么恐怖,但我每一天都会想到它,每当我在电视里看到一起暴力事件,都会产生超现实的感觉:我不敢相信自己也曾经历过这种事。而现在我也和其他人一样,坐在沙发上,看着孩子们遭到杀害的新闻,这一次,凶手是伊斯兰国(Islamic State)。

I know there is nothing I can say right now to make the survivors of the Manchester bombing feel any better. The guilt for me began the day of the blast. Seeing Liana’s mother is especially painful. I see her looking at me and I know she is imaging her daughter at my age. But I would tell the survivors to stay strong and focus on your recovery. You have to be very strong to recover.

我知道,此时此刻,无论我说什么,也不能让曼彻斯特爆炸的生还者感觉好一些。当年,我从爆炸当天就开始产生内疚感。看到利阿娜的母亲尤其让我感到痛苦。每当看到她看着我,我都知道,她正在脑海中想象她的女儿如果活到我的年纪会是什么样子。但我想告诉幸存者,要坚强,专注于自己的康复。你必须非常坚强才能恢复过来。

These days I live in Toronto, and I have people in my life who don’t know about my past. They say to me: “Wow, how did you live in Israel? It’s so dangerous!” And they have no idea.

最近这些日子我住在多伦多,生活里有一些人不了解我的过去。他们对我说:“哇,你在以色列的生活怎么样?那儿太危险了!”他们完全没有概念。

I have a huge scar on my neck. I work in retail at a mall and sometimes people ask me about it. I just say: “I had an accident.” The scar will always remind me of that day. Always. But it’s also a scar that reminds me that I’m alive.

我的脖子上有一个巨大的伤疤。我在购物中心做零售工作,有时人们会向我问起。我只是说:“我出过一次意外。”这道伤疤总会提醒我想起那一天。永远如此。但同样是这个伤疤在提醒着我:我还活着。

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