您现在的位置: 纽约时报中英文网 >> 纽约时报中英文版 >> 观点 >> 正文

说“我愿意”之前,还有那么多需要想清楚

更新时间:2016-9-24 7:49:56 来源:纽约时报中文网 作者:佚名

Before I Say ‘I Do,’ Let’s Just Go Over Every Possible Scenario One More Time
说“我愿意”之前,还有那么多需要想清楚

Alex, the first night we met, I knew you were the one. When you asked me to move in, I didn’t hesitate. When you proposed, I said “yes” right away.

亚历克斯,在我们初次见面的那个晚上,我便知道你就是我要找的那个人。当你提议搬到一起住时,我没有犹豫。你求婚时,我马上就说“好”。

But doesn’t that all seem … a little unlike me? It took me three months to commit to a new shower curtain. And I just really feel like, well, maybe instead of following my heart, I should be thinking through our relationship the same way I think through everything else: way too much.

但你不觉得所有这些看起来……有点不太像我吗?我选一款浴帘都要花三个月时间。我只是觉得,嗯,可能我不该完全听从内心的声音,而应该仔细地考虑一下我们的关系,就像我考量其他任何东西一样——超大量的思考。

When I sat down to write these vows, the words just started pouring out of me. Into a “pros” and “cons” list.

当我坐下来写这些婚礼誓言时,很多话一涌而出,形成了一个“利弊”清单。

What? Well, you said your vows were going to be funny, I don’t know why mine can’t have one little joke. See, this is why we need to talk about this whole thing — obviously we’re not always on the same page. Sorry, everyone, I’ll try to make this quick. Although really, you’ll sit here as long as I want — I’m the one paying for the open bar, ha-ha. I mean we. It’s our debt now.

什么?哦,你说过你的誓言会比较好笑,我不知道我的为何就不能幽默一点点。看,这就是为什么我们需要聊聊这整件事——显然我们并不总是那么心有灵犀。对不起,各位,我会尽快讲完。尽管只要我提出来,不管多久你们都会这么坐下去,因为我是为这里的吧台买单的人,哈哈。我是说,我们。如今是”我们“的账单了。

Oh, my God. We’re the ones paying for this. What if we go bankrupt? We’ll have to downgrade our plans for a dream home to a dream cardboard box under an overpass. Oh, you think that’s crazy? Well, I already asked my sister, and she said we can’t live in a tent in her and Robert’s backyard, so really what other options would we have? Right, Sandy? Oh my gosh, you can’t hide behind your maid of honor bouquet, Sandy. Everyone can see you. You look beautiful, by the way, thank you so much for being here.

啊,天哪。我们是要为这些买单的人。如果我们破产了怎么办?我们将不得不放低对梦想住宅的设想,住到立交桥下的“梦想纸盒”里。噢,你觉得这太扯了?要知道,我已经问过我姐了,她说我们不能在她和罗伯特的后院里搭个帐篷住,所以你觉得我们还有什么别的选择?是吧,桑迪?我的天哪,你躲在伴娘花束后面也没用,桑迪。所有人都能看见你。顺便说一句,你今天看上去很漂亮,非常感谢你来参加婚礼。

Or what if we get our dream home, but one of us leaves the stove on, and we both die of carbon monoxide poisoning? I would rather our dream home have an electric stove, but hey, nothing’s perfect, even in dream scenarios. Yes, I think about this stuff! I also don’t want one of those refrigerators that makes the ice cubes for you, because I like filling the trays. What, you thought my wedding vows would be all, “Ooh, your eyes are shining stars and my soul orbits your aura” ? Please. I’m far too pragmatic for that.

又或者,我们有了自己梦寐以求的房子,但我们中有一个人忘了关炉子,然后我们俩都因煤气中毒死了,那该怎么办?我也希望我们梦想的家园装的是电热炉,但是喂,没有什么是完美的,哪怕是在完美的剧情里。没错,我会考虑这些东西!我也不想买个那种可以制冰的冰箱,因为我喜欢往冰块盒里注水。什么,你觉得我的婚礼致辞会满是“啊,你的眼睛是闪亮的星星,我的灵魂绕着你的光环旋转”之类的东西?拜托。我这么实际,不会那么写。

Speaking of which, back to the carbon monoxide. Although if we’re both dead, I guess we just skip to the “till death do us part” part — marriage mission accomplished. But what if only one of us dies? Does the other then die of a broken heart — like, in solidarity? Or spend a lifetime alone, making 911 calls to complain about neighborhood children laughing too loudly, “as if there’s anything in this stupid world to be happy about”? Or what if we both almost die but then we both pull through, and at first we can’t remember which one of us left the stove on, but then like a year later out of nowhere I remember it was me, but I can’t bring myself to tell you? Do I let the guilt tear me apart inside, or do I kill you before you remember it was me, too, and seek your revenge?

说到这儿,我们还是接着谈煤气吧。不过如果我们都死了,我想我们就直接跨到了“至死不渝”那部分——婚姻的使命也就完成了。但如果我们只有一个人死了呢?活着那个是要死于心碎——以显示同心?还是应该自己过一辈子,时不时打电话给911抱怨邻居家的孩子笑得太大声,“就好像这个愚蠢的世界真有什么令人高兴的东西”呢?又或者我们差点死掉,却又都活了过来,一开始我们不记得是谁忘了关炉子,但接着大概一年后我突然记起来是我,但又张不开口告诉你,这种情况该怎么办?我是让愧疚感不断撕扯我的内心,还是在你也想起是我然后对我进行报复之前把你杀了?

Fine. You want me to “be realistic”? Well, O.K. what if we survive the carbon monoxide poisoning and never figure out how it happened, but one of us is so shook up by it that in that fragile state, he seeks comfort in the arms of another? Yeah, “he,” because by “one of us” I mean “you.” I’m not saying I don’t trust you! But if either of us is going to go out and cheat, frankly, it should be you. You’d be better at it. Remember when I tried to flirt with that bartender to get us free drinks? I just wound up hearing about his novel.

你希望我“现实一点”?好的,没问题。如果我们都在煤气中毒后活了下来,也一直没搞清楚怎么中的毒,但我们其中一人受刺激太大,以致他在脆弱的时刻投入了别人的怀抱寻求安慰,那又该如何?是,我用了“他”,因为“我们其中一人”指的就是“你”。不是说我不信任你!但坦白讲,如果我们两个有一个人会出轨,那应该会是你。你更擅长这个。还记得那次我试着跟酒保调情,好让我们有免费的酒喝吗?到头来我只听他大谈自己的小说了。

What do you mean, that would never happen because you love me? What if you’re selected for a special mission to Mars to begin populating a new colony of humans in space? It wouldn’t be “cheating,” exactly, because it’d be a direct order from the president, but —

你说那种情况永远不会发生,因为你爱我,这话什么意思?要是你被选中到火星上执行一项特殊使命,为太空中的人类聚居地繁衍后代呢?那不见得是“出轨”,因为会是来自总统的直接命令,但——

Wait, are you starting your vows? Don’t start your vows, I’m not done yet! Stop! Wait a minute, “Since you met me, you’ve never wanted to even look at another girl”? Let’s take a minute to unpack that, because I am a woman, a strong, confid — well, maybe not confident. I mean confident in myself, but not necessarily my decisions, obviously, or we wouldn’t be talking about this. Unless — oh, no, do you think those things might be connected?

慢着,你是要开始念自己的誓词了吗?不要念,我还没说完呢!停!等一下,“自从你遇到我,就再没想过要看其他女孩哪怕一眼”?让我们花一分钟解释下这句话,因为我是个女人,一个强大、自——呃,可能并不自信。我是说我对自己有信心,但显然不一定对自己的决定有信心,不然我们就不会在这里说这些东西了。除非——哦,不,你觉得这两点可能有关联?

What about — hey! Can you please take this seriously? There are a lot of things to consider here, and I just want to make sure we’re thorough. Right? Don’t you agree? Hmm? Do you need a minute? You look like you need a minute.

要不——嘿!你能严肃点吗?这里有很多东西需要考虑,我只是想确保我们都想清楚了。不应该吗?你不这么想吗?嗯?你有话要到一边说吗?你看起来像是有话要说。

Everyone, please “Cha-Cha Slide” on over to the reception hall and meet us back here in, say, half an hour. And I was just kidding earlier. It’s a cash bar.

各位,请到接待大厅跳会儿“恰恰”,大概半个小时后回来我们再见。我之前是开玩笑的。那边是一个付费吧台。

“全文请访问纽约时报中文网,本文发表于纽约时报中文网(http://cn.nytimes.com),版权归纽约时报公司所有。任何单位及个人未经许可,不得擅自转载或翻译。订阅纽约时报中文网新闻电邮:http://nytcn.me/subscription/”

相关文章列表