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一位土耳其同性恋的出柜经历

更新时间:2015-7-22 10:36:34 来源:纽约时报中文网 作者:佚名

Silent History
一位土耳其同性恋的出柜经历

Knowing yourself and accepting yourself are two different things. I knew that I fancied boys from the time I was in kindergarten. Although you don’t know how to name it, especially in a very heterosexual society like Turkey’s, this is something that you feel. I didn’t accept who I was, on the other hand, until years later, during university, when I found myself coming out to 30 or 40 people at once onstage in a drama class. All my friends in the class came one by one to kiss and congratulate me. But even then I hadn’t opened the curtain all the way, because I hadn’t come out to my mother.

了解自己和接受自己是两回事。从幼儿园起,我就知道我喜欢男孩。虽然你不知道怎么形容它,特别是在土耳其这样的非常异性恋的社会里,但你能感受到。另一方面,我并没有接受自己,直到多年后上大学时,我才在戏剧课的舞台上向三四十个人公布自己的性取向。我在班上所有的朋友一个个走过来亲吻我,祝贺我。不过即使在那时,我也没有完全出柜,因为我还没有告诉妈妈。

I grew up without a father, and my mother always wanted me to be the man, the Turkish soldier. But the way I walked, the way I talked — these were not really proper behaviors for a boy. In primary school, when I was beaten up and bullied, she started taking me to karate courses. Later she pushed me to attend a military high school, but I when I took the entrance exam, I just answered the questions like a lottery form, sabotaging the entire test.

我从小就没有爸爸,妈妈一直想让我成为真正的男子汉,成为土耳其的军人。但是我走路和说话的方式都不太像男孩。小学时我被殴打欺负,妈妈就带我去学空手道。后来,她逼我去上军校高中,但是在入学考试时,我像选彩票号码那样胡乱填写答案,暗中毁了整个考试。

It was stressful, because I knew that there was something different inside me that she would never accept. I remember her making ugly comments about gay people when I was a child, and you record those moments in your mind. I didn’t think I could ever tell her about myself.

这让我很有压力,因为我知道自己内心某种不同的东西是她永远都接受不了的。我记得小时候她对同性恋有过很难听的评价,那些话深深印在我脑海里。当时我觉得自己永远也不敢对她说出实情。

After I came out in university, I began writing my Ph.D. thesis on the experiences of parents in Turkey who have lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender children. I eventually created a support group for them. But as the group grew, I felt like a hypocrite. My own mother was in the dark.

在大学里出柜以后,我开始写博士论文,是关于那些有同性恋、双性恋或变性孩子的土耳其父母的经历。我最后为他们建立了一个互助团体。但是随着这个团体的壮大,我感觉自己像个伪君子。因为我自己的妈妈还蒙在鼓里。

One rainy Saturday, I had plans to spend the rest of the weekend at the house of my boyfriend, Tarkan. (We’ve now been together for 17 years.) To my mother, he was just my best friend. He was also her dentist. Before I left for his house that day, she insisted on having a drink at a neighborhood bar. I tried to get out of it, but it was clear she had something on her mind. After a few beers, she started to ask questions.

有一个周六,下着雨,我本来打算那个周末剩下的时间在我男朋友塔尔坎(Tarkan)的家里度过(到现在我们已经在一起17年了)。当时我妈妈以为他只是我最好的朋友。他也是她的牙医。那天我动身去他家前,妈妈坚持要我陪她在附近的酒吧喝一杯。我想脱开身,但是她显然有话要说。喝了几杯啤酒之后,她开始问问题。

“Why do you go and stay at Tarkan’s place every weekend?”

“为什么你每个周末都去塔尔坎家?”

“Well, because I like to spend time with him,” I said.

“呃,因为我喜欢和他在一起,”我说。

“Why only him?”

“为什么只和他在一起?”

“Well, I love him very much.”

“呃,我很爱他。”

“What kind of love is that?” she asked.

“是哪种爱?”她问。

“Mom,” I said to her, “Don’t ask me questions if you cannot bear the answers.”

“妈妈,”我对她说,“如果你无法承受问题的答案,就不要问问题。”

She started to cry at the bar. I took her home, and I tried to explain my sexuality, giving academic examples, talking about very scientific stuff. But that doesn’t help when someone is in shock.

她在酒吧里就哭了起来。我把她送回家,努力解释我的性取向,举了一些学术方面的例子,讲了一些很有科学依据的东西。但是,当一个人处在震惊中的时候,什么话也听不进去。

It was hopeless. She got worse and worse, crying and crying all night, for weeks. Then over time, it turned into denial. She wouldn’t look me in my eyes. She wouldn’t talk to me. We were strangers living in the same house. Not to mention that she refused to go to the dentist.

我无计可施。她越哭越厉害,整晚不停地哭,哭了好几周。过了一段时间,她开始抗拒。她不看我的眼睛,也不跟我说话。我们像住在一个房子里的两个陌生人。自然,她也是不会再去找这个牙医。

I continued my work with the parents’ group. At the beginning, it was mostly moms, and I began to refer to them that way, as “my mothers.” I could tell this made my mom jealous. She and I had absolutely no relationship, and I spent a lot of time with these other women I called Mother.

我继续在父母互助团工作。一开始,那里大多是母亲,我开始称她们为“妈妈们”。我能看出来,这让我妈妈有点嫉妒。她完全不理我,我有很多时间都是和这些我称为妈妈们的女人一起度过的。

One evening, after weeks of not talking, she called to ask where I was. I told her I was having wine with my mothers. Her voice was so weak, and I somehow sensed that she was ready for something — perhaps to talk to one of them. So I passed the phone to Sema, the mother of a young gay Turkish man.

妈妈连续几周没跟我说话。然后有一天晚上,她打电话问我在哪儿。我说我和妈妈们在喝酒。她的声音听起来很脆弱,不知为何我感觉她想要做点什么,比如跟其中一位妈妈聊聊。所以我把电话递给了塞玛(Sema),她儿子是个年轻的土耳其同性恋。

She took the phone and went to the corner of the restaurant. The minutes were like hours for me. I don’t know how long they talked. When Sema came back, she was crying, and my mother was crying on the other end of the phone, but she somehow persuaded my mom to have coffee the next week.

塞玛接过电话,走到餐厅的角落里。对我来说,那几分钟像几个小时一样难熬。我不知道她们谈了多久。塞玛回来时在哭,我妈妈在电话的另一端哭,但是不知道她用什么方法说服了我妈妈下周一起喝咖啡。

After a while, she started to come to our meetings, and she began to change in front of my eyes, with the help of the people that I had helped. When she heard the stories of other parents, she realized she was not alone.

过了一段时间,她开始来参加我们的聚会,我慢慢看到她的改变,我曾经帮助过的那些人在帮助她。当她听到其他父母的故事时,她意识到不是只有她一个人遇到了这种情况。

Some things took a long time. She didn’t to go back to Tarkan for dental treatments right away, for example. But things got much, much better, and in 2011 we even took her with us to the EuroPride celebration in Rome. She was about 75 at the time, and she couldn’t really speak correctly about these issues, but she knew she loved her son.

有些事情需要很长时间才能改变。比如,她没有马上去塔尔坎那里看牙。但是情况好了很多,2011年,我们甚至带着她去罗马参加欧洲骄傲游行(EuroPride)。当时她75岁左右,并不能恰如其分地谈论这些事情,但她知道自己很爱儿子。

When I think of my mother now — four years later, she is ill and barely able to walk — I often think of her there in Rome. She actually climbed to the top of a double-decker bus and rode in the parade. She was smiling and waving to the crowds like Queen Elizabeth. Tarkan and I walked alongside on the street below, looking up at her. We were like, Whoa.

如今,时隔四年,她病了,几乎不能走动。现在时常想起她在罗马的样子。当时,她竟然爬到一辆双层巴士的顶层,在游行队伍中前进。她微笑着,像伊丽莎白女王(Queen Elizabeth)那样向人群挥手。我和塔尔坎走在下方的马路上,抬头看着她。我们简直不敢相信自己的眼睛。

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